CANDID APOLOGY

To myself, I’m sorry.

I’m sorry you didn’t turn out to be the prodigy you hoped you’d be; well at least not yet. You are an embodiment of confusion and chaos. You have read books, watched dozens of Ted Talks, tried every quick fix means to find your feet but nothing seems to work, but when they do,the end product never holds up, they are all placebos.I’m sorry that the body which houses your soul doesn’t meet the threshold of attractiveness set by the society.You’ll try and convince yourself that God knew what He was doing when He breathed into this clay. You’ll know better that this is just but a vessel, it’s a temple. You are a god. Doesn’t the bible call you one ? He is the God of gods it says. But why do you care at times? Why does it hurt? Will we ever hear the voice of God? Will He provide clarity to this smokey mirror?I’m afraid that we’ll probably never find the answers to these questions and it is going to itch. Scratching only makes it worse.

Contrary to what people( and of recent years, yourself) think, you are not an asshole. I know you have spent a lot of time trying to see yourself through other people’s eyes and when you finally conjure a hypothesis, you get to see this article. I’m sorry but I have had enough of your bullshit. Until they walk through your skin, they will never know whom you truly are, a god ( at least that’s what the holy book says).

To other interested parties.

To everyone who has ever considered me a friend.

I am sorry. I  wish I were an open book as I so adamantly claim to be. I’m sorry that I always wear a clown’s mask when we engage in conversations. If I could change, just for your peace of mind, believe me I would.I wish I could show you the monsters underneath my bed.  But I have befriended these formless beasts. I have fed them, I tickle their bellies when they need me to. At least they will not leave until I wish them to. On the other hand, people leave, that’s what they do.After all that, do you still want to be friends? Milkshake on Friday? I thought so.

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To my ex girlfriend,the one with the big forehead.

I am sorry. It has been two years since we broke up. I gave you insincere apologies because I could not live with the knowledge that someone out there thought of  me and spats on the ground. When we first started talking, I was bemused.You gave me your undiluted attention.No one ever did. I mistook this alien feeling for love, it must have been.I mean, you got my jokes and I always won every bout of arguments we had. Isn’t that everything that men long for? When another person gave me as much attention, I got confused. I am wildly aware that doesn’t validate my actions and I am afraid nothing ever will. In hindsight, I should have not done what I did. I send my utmost apology to the guy who gave you his shoulder to cry on after we parted. Only he knows how he dealt with the weight of your head. Before you get mad, big heads are commonly associated with beauty in women, so this was a magnanimous remark. Oh, and before I forget, “the crew” said that I’ll  never find a girl like you. I do not know if they cursed me or complimented you. I’ll leave that for you to decide.

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To China Anne Mcclain.

I strongly  believe that we were meant to be together. Me not living up to my billing might cause you to marry a guy whom you do not love. If by chance you get to read this, please don’t settle. I am coming for you. I regularly do calisthenics and vocal lessons not only to be in shape, but to be fit enough to carry the name Mr. China. Yes, I would gladly take your first name(well, probably because my third name doesn’t really appeal to the masses and it’s quite a mouthful) I feel like we will have to discuss this in-depth on a later date. But if I never get to meet you, then receive my candid apology.

To everyone who is able to plough through my art-devoid, flaccid, poor excuse of prose, I am profoundly sorry. I however Intend on bettering my vocabulary, grammar and style ( if I had one in the first place) . Thank you for your perseverance. 🙂

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TIDE ME OVER

A couple of months ago someone cajoled me to write about effort in friendship. I was reluctant to express my views owing to the fact that what I had in mind on this topic was a tad too sentimental. But then I remembered why I first started writing. I knew that the people who would sit behind their screens reading this religiously,or somewhere close to that, would be broken people seeking answers as I do. You became my secret human diaries and it was easier to tell strangers stories about myself because strangers will more often than not be more honest and less pitiful  than friends. I started scratching my own itch. Thank you stranger, pat yourself on the back.

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Have you ever had someone so important  “walk out” of your life without a reason? If not then I’m sorry, this article was not meant for you. But do come back next week, I promise I’ll write on something that tickles your fancy. Oh shit, I have just made a commitment.

Well,I have. From crushes, to friends to people I had labelled as best friends.And it sucks. One day you’re toying with the idea of being in each other’s lives forever and the next day all you have is a gut wrenching feeling towards them. A feeling that inclines towards hysterical anger than hate. You cannot hate them, that was not in your five-year plan. You feel lost and alone. You start understanding the parable of the lost sheep. How one lost sheep can cause a shepherd sleepless nights. But this sheep is a human being with a soul and advanced metacognitive abilities. This sheep knows his or her way home. This sheep isn’t lost, this sheep curved a path for itself away from you.

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You then end up being the bigger guy. You try your best to see where they’re coming from. Maybe they are not the problem. Maybe you are. They seek an ocean but all you can give is a stream that cannot quench their thirst. Human beings will always want more and as much as you’d like to dig deeper, your stream will not meet their insatiable needs. You end up flushing your self-esteem down the drains.

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You’ll then try to mend your friendship and seek answers. This is what the scientists call kissing ass. Sometimes it ends up in your favor and you manage to address the elephant in the room. Friendship is like an impalement art. It takes two and trust. Maybe school happened, or they got into a relationship, or they went overseas and the time difference wasn’t working for your good. If all of you are willing then no matter what the circumstances, you’ll find a way. You cannot always be the one to call, or text without these actions being reciprocated, have some pride bro/sis.

But when the other party isn’t willing to make amends,you’ll end up with egg on your face and it will hurt tenfold. If this is you,learn to move forward without looking back lest you turn into salt like Lot’s wife. I guess that’s what they mean when they refer to someone as ‘salty'( mind-boggling). Do not seek as to why they left. Maybe it is best if you never knew. Moving on is hard because we do not know how to deal with change, especially without closure.

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I used to think that this concept of “small circles” was just a way of the cool kids to ostracize others from their camaraderie but it now makes sense. I woke up and smelled the coffee. These people are simply protecting themselves and if you have ever inexplicably lost someone you held dear, you’d understand.

But maybe I went wrong somewhere in my journey. maybe I’m the only one who finds it hard to move on. Probably the road to peace of mind has a surefire map.

 

LOVE’S NOT A COMPETITION(BUT I’M WINNING)

Hey, it’s Hannah, Hannah Baker.No it’s not. It’s I, Sidney? Come on, it has not been that long. And no, this is not an article on 13 reasons why. It seems like everyone is glued to this series, what’s it about though? let me know in the comments below.

Let’s talk about winning in love. You have no idea what this means, do you? Neither do I. That was a facetious remark. I am not that oblivious, not that I’m calling you ignorant, it’s just that, you know, have you heard of brexit? The Brits are wusses.

tumblr_os7oe1RShi1scdhyfo1_500Love becomes a competition when people break up or when they are about to(break up), when the two parties try to show each other that they are better people outside the relationship. A perfect example is when a person (mostly the man,because,come on) in a relationship tries to intentionally get dumped without having to cheat on or abuse the other party(predominantly the woman). In this generation where technology is a core part in a substantial number of relationships, it has become easier for men to win. How? you might ask. Failing to answer texts, one word texts,texting back in emoji only, posting suggestive pictures on social media, not calling back and many other ways. You know what you’ve done,guys,come clean,we are family in here. All of which I think are petty reasons to break up but hey, it works. Girl gets mad,girl breaks up with boy, boy gets what he wants with a clean conscience. He hasn’t done anything wrong, has he? he just played the “less than perfect boyfriend”.

Winning in love.

Maggy Ndiema is a student and a late night texter. I have just come to the realization  that I do not know her that much, or at all for that matter. Maggy, if you are reading this,what does Maggy stand for? Magdalene? Margaret?  We had this conversation a while ago on winning in love. She was kind enough to share her experience with us. Such a darling.

Winning in love.

( The conversation is held on WhatApp.Time-3:AM)

“Aaah,I want to write an article on relationships and winning in love.Can I interview you?”

I reluctantly asked her, I have a phobia towards being turned down.

“Go ahead.When is it due?”

Isn’t she the best? And we are in!
“I do not know. I’ll try and conjure something this week.Tell me about the two of you(her and her ex). Does anyone of you try to win?As in to show the other that they’re doing good without the other?”
“I know he does. I also do that sometimes. But I’m only lying to myself. The more we drift..the more I want him.”

There you go, acusations without anchors,such a typical thing for a woman to do. I did not say this,I thought it.
“By trying to win ,do you expect him to feel guilty and come running back to you,or does it make the drift widen?”

I should get a show on the Oprah Winfrey Network.
“Hmmm, of course I expect him to miss me and realize the value of our love when we are apart. I think the space is important. It just magically happens that we miss each other at the end and then we find ourselves talking..one thing leads to another..we’re in love again(kids,I do not get them)!Even stronger than before.”
“So love is an on and off thing.its like an impulse that can be triggered whenever?”

She has no way out,checkmate.
“Umm you could say that. Don’t also forget that there’s a thin line between love and hate too. Sometimes I hate him for what he’s done it if he hurts me. But the hate melts away as soon as I forgive him. Forgiveness is part of loving. I guess you can say love conquers all.”

She uses a lot of filter words,this buys her time to think about her response. Not fair,but i kept on.

“I think there are two ways to this break up make up thing, why not try the other? The sympathy route? showing him how miserable you are without him?”

 

“If you do that,he’ll come back out of pity..you don’t want someone to be with you just cause they feel sorry for you. Besides..we as humans have ego. It’s important to love yourself first before you love someone else. That way if they leave you..you don’t lose yourself to them.”
“But if you’re completely sure that he loves you,pity wouldn’t be an issue, love triumphs all after all? Let’s just call it a tactic in the game of love?”

 

” If I show him how miserable I am without him he might use that to his advantage. He might keep doing bad things to me,knowing that I won’t leave him, after all. Like I need him.Besides, it’s not attractive. I think people want to associate themselves with strong people. My Ngecha (the boyfriend) does..cause he knows he’s an asshole at times and deserves to be left alone to come back to his senses.”

I think I have just gotten my article. She continues.

“love should also be like the one described in 1 Corinthians 13: 4-8.I follow khalil Gibran’s advice on love.”

“What’s his advice on love?” I need such advice. My audience needs this advice.

” He says that it is okay to love,but don’t make a bond out of love. Let it be like a moving Sea between the shores of your soul.”

What I said next, believe it or not,i did not google. It came straight out of my prefrontal  cortex. Moral of this line?  There is a little genius in everyone, you just have to look deep, abyss kind of deep.

 

“Flesh longs for flesh, souls long for souls, it’s easier to find flesh you’re attracted to,but finding a soul that resonates with yours ,to your fabric of existence,it is difficult, because people hide behind the flesh. It is so hard not to form a bond once you find your ‘soul mate’ don’t you think so?”

” I concur.That’s what keeps making you come back together.”

 

It’s 4:AM. Yoga time.

 

Have you ever tried to win love? Are you a victim? We care about you. Contact the help line on the comments below and we will accept you as one of our own. Let’s help you get through  this stigma.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

SHOULD HAPPINESS BE THE ULTIMATE GOAL IN LIFE?

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I have so many excuses to give for my lack of consistency, but let me assume that you came across another self-proclaimed writer who is as pathetic as I am. So i do not have to bore you with a long preamble. Let us get straight to the topic. No? Greetings first? Hi, how are you, you look good! Have you been doing yoga? Inflation is a bitch, isn’t she? it’s okay,bye i’ll text you when i get home (who ever keeps this promise though?)

Did you know that happiness is derived from the adjective happy? I know, such an under appreciated genius. Let’s look at this happiness thing. What is it? Do we have to live with a mental goal of finally feeling happy? Is the phrase ‘good vibes only’ feasible? Or should our end goal be happiness because that’s what Queen Bee said on that song of hers’? Do you expect answers for this question from me? hahahaha! Oh, you were serious? I also do not know, i am sincerely sorry for wasting your time.

But wait!I do have a theory!

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Let’s take for instance a scientist who wants to prove a certain theory. Everybody in his workplace have labelled him mad, his wife leaves him in fear that he might end up broke, a vagabond, shunned by the world,any sane woman would leave such a man,it is mere logic isn’t it not? His father has already dubbed him a failure, a disgrace to his oh-so glorious name. His mother, oh his poor mother, out of shear stress,she grows a decade older in a span of two weeks.Her voice which used to be full of praise towards her son has been muted,she has been silenced. She holds several prayer meetings with the women from her church but God does not give her an answer.She persists,one day,she hopes, because having faith has shattered her. Happiness?

All in the name of proving a THEORY. He uses this to his advantage, he goes two,sometimes three days without eating or taking a shower. Solitude is the prize. Happiness?

Is he going to be happy IF he does finally prove himself right? Is this the ultimate goal? I personally do not think so. Happiness is a dangerous and a misleading concept. The pursuit of happiness might ultimately lead to sadness and misery. Do not,an i repeat, do not seek to be happy. Let’s be frank, once you start assessing whether you are happy or not, chances are you lead a drab life.

So our scientist doesn’t turn the theory into a theorem, is this tantamount to his demise?No, he gets back on his feet and somehow leads a better life than he did before. How is this so? Because he does what interests him and not what he thinks might make him happy.

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Ask any musician who is bossing the industry whether he or she is happy doing three shows a day,sometimes four, a seven-day workweek and a maximum of four hours visit from the Sandman. Not only musicians, ask anyone who is bossing anything. If you think that one day everything will be okay then you are living a fool’s paradise. Do what you like! follow your heart!(blah, I know). Progression is a beautiful thing in life, seek it rather, let’s seek it together!

“But SJ you want to say that unadulterated happiness does not exist?”

Far from it. It does. True friendship(which is so hard to find) and family brings about true happiness. These are things not sought after, God brings them your way. 

Am I being closed-minded? Is there something that i am not seeing clearly?Am i sadist?

let me know in the comments below 🙂

 

 

 

 

LOVE

Hello good people. Now, this is going to be the most boring post you have ever come across to date.Although I pray you get to encounter more lethargic and lifeless writers than yours truly in the course of your life. I have always wanted to take an attempt at writing, you know, one of the many things one has to try out before finding their true purpose in life? I’m glad this audience resonates with my struggles, beautiful. The longevity of this posts will entirely be vested upon you, yes you (I have always wanted to do that). On your ability to endure grammatical errors,poor diction and my ideological approaches on matters concerning life,love, time and death. To add a little twist to this, I shall be inviting guests to give their opinion on these issues that are very important (I could have come up with a more catchier sentence i swear) issues. In fact, this will be a collaborative effort between me and all of you.I am currently working on creating my own website because i think WordPress is too crowded and cliché, but before then this will be our platform through which we will vent out and learn from one another.

Well, that was quite a preamble

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Today’s/ this week’s/ month’s topic is love. In January I had requested a couple of my friends to write on this topic and the articles I got were all genuine with a touch of genius. It was clear that nobody knows what it is. The acceptance of ones’ own ignorance is the beginning of learning, you know that old saying,he who knows that he does not know? Surprisingly so, nobody talked about self-love. They all alluded to romantic love and agape love. The ancient Greek divided love into eight types

  1. “EROS” OR EROTIC LOVE
  2. “PHILIA” OR AFFECTIONATE LOVE
  3. “STORGE” OR FAMILIAR LOVE
  4. “LUDUS” OR PLAYFUL LOVE
  5. “MANIA” OR OBSESSIVE LOVE
  6. “PRAGMA” OR ENDURING LOVE
  7. “PHILAUTIA” OR SELF LOVE
  8. “AGAPE” OR SELFLESS LOVE

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Now, kids, as your assignment today I shall ask you to google the meaning of all these types of love if you wish to know more about them because I do not want to bore you with a long post. Take your socks off, switch off your data, grab an apple(to keep the doctors away, you know) and let us see what these two wonderful animals had to say about love. I have only chosen the two because,well, because I am biased. If you would want a part two, I would willingly write on what the others had to say about love, but today it is Isabella Kanina Waitherero and Diana Maraga’s time to shine!

DIANA MARAGA ON LOVE

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Miss Diana
  1. “I know close to nothing about love
  2. i am even more clueless about romantic love
  3. my grammar is terrible , so bear with me
  4. i read this after and i realized i made no sense

Love is weird. The fact that I just wrote those words and just stared at the page should be enough(you know, to show how love is weird).

I feel love towards people but idk if it’s affection or not and if both (love and affection) are the same thing. Love is a feeling, at least I know that much. I think that love is somewhat independent and dependent at the same time; Independent such that it leaves no room for doubt and fear and dependent as it brings rise to other feelings like hope and trust.

Without faith, hope and trust, then idk if love would dwell in such an environment. I have had my own dealings with love. I love my friends and family. Love brings out a feeling of happiness and personal attachment. Tsukuru ( from the book Colourless Tsukuru And His Years Of Pilgrimage written by Haruki Murakami) was hella attached to his friends that after they abandoned him he felt empty.

My opinion on romantic love shouldn’t even be sought after. We’re all a bit hypocritical when it comes to this sort of love. We all have our expectations on how it should be like; and when someone does not match up to these standards per se we dismiss them. We dream about love and how we would want to love and be loved. But dreams are what they are, dreams, not reality, not an alternative reality, just our own creation of euphoria, mere reveries. Heck, even reality isn’t accounted for, let alone dreams. But I digress. I find it hard to believe that someone somewhere had dreams of  their perfect partner and their partner ticket each and every box. ‘ I have found the boy/ girl of my dreams’ did you, did you though? Maybe people settle, idk. But, love will always be there. Idk if love is a choice or not but we all do have our preferences. I do, however , believe the world would be a better place with more logic and truth rather than love and kindness. Love cloud’s one’s judgement, HORRIBLY! There is always a sense of subjectivity and bias when it comes to love. Love is warm and fuzzy while logic is cold, hard and difficult to swallow, two polar opposites. Love is good, it is great! But is makes us weak. A cross we have to carry and a weight we have to bear. Logic is waaaaaay more important. Logic AND truth. Maybe there’s some sort of yin and yang situation with love and logic/truth. But I don’t know, I cannot relate”

I know, I know, that was mind-boggling. I’d suggest you go for a glass of water/ whiskey for the next one for it gets better people!

“LOVE

The word love is quite ambiguous and does not have a definite description or explanation.

As a result, many definitions of  love have sprung up.These include:Love is an act of will which could mean that an action is done voluntarily. It is not a feeling. Our emotions are fleeting: one minute we feel madly, passionately in love,then the next we are arguing.

Love can also be termed as an emotion.This means that it is generated from an inner feeling that grows into a form of attraction especially physical,where you feel drawn to someone due to certain traits they bear which of course differ depending on people.We are all different in our own way. As it progresses over time,that is if this magical feeling does not fade,it develops  into something deeper which has now matured and can be called LOVE.

Love can also be a Choice.Why? You will realize that real love isn’t just a euphoric, spontaneous feeling—it’s a deliberate choice—a plan to love each other for better and worse, for richer and poorer, in sickness and in health. Of course, you don’t choose who you’re attracted to, but you definitely choose who you fall in love with and (more importantly) who you stay in love with.

Many at times people end up confusing between Love and Limerence.Limerence is a state of deep infatuation or better yet obsession with another person mainly for the purpose of reciprocity of ones feelings . Once one discovers the thin line between the two,he/she is now able to distinguish them in order to avoid confusion or making mistakes in future.

Being a Christian, I believe that four types of love exist:Agape love, Eros love, Phileo love and Storge love.Agape love describes God’s Unconditional love for Human Kind. Eros love is the Romantic kind of love shared in relationships especially between a man and a woman(Sexual attraction) and in marriages.Phileo type of love involves friendship, bonding and enjoying friends’ company while Storge love deals with Family loyalty.

Back in high school, I used to be obsessed with this idea of love and probably its still in me in a way.I would therefore come up with my own definitions or borrow a few from books or my friends. Some included:Love is the thread in the button that holds hearts together.Love is an endless mystery.Love  is sharing a part of yourself with others as it is more demonstrative than defined.My all time favourite was ..At the Touch of Love, Everyone becomes a Poet.They all made sense at that time.Now?I do not know.

My perception of love is that it can be an emotion as well as a choice.You choose to stick by the person you love no matter the situation, their flaws,short comings because you made the decision to commit to them but the connection has to be there. You need that inner feeling or energy that acts as a pull or push towards this person.It is so unfortunate and I stand to be corrected, that people say that love can end where the supposed fire died out and now nothing keeps that fire blazing and alive in the hearts involved anymore. I do not know if that is true or not.

I think  Love is brought about by some extra ordinary mechanism or force that is many at times is beyond our understanding and it ends up brewing some ‘Chemistry’ that is inexplicable and at the same time Beautiful.Love as a feeling, is a beautiful one.

Anyway,I am sure you are aware of whatever I have written but oh well, i hope i at least went to the direction that you were headed to.

Love, Bella”

I fear that if I add more to this you may never come back again so allow me to end this at that. Do comment below and share.

Remember, remain curious, be inspired 🙂